Being led by the Spirit within normal life

To be led by the Spirit is to not go ahead with our own plans or doing or not doing the things we think or desire to do. Rather it is to be in constant communication and in rhythm with the Spirit to instead be guided by what He says to do and what not to do.

It seemed somewhat superficial growing up thinking of a Spirit that would instruct or guide me. I have been trying to live a life that is more sensitive to the guiding of the Spirit in the ordinary moments of life, in the mundane rhythm to see them as opportunities of God. In the last few weeks I have been in a few very unique circumstances where I have thought one thing but have had a struggle within me to not go ahead with my own ideas but to wait and to follow the promptings of the Spirit instead. This to say my ideas where not bad or wrong, they were just not God’s plan or timing.

I wanted to share some of these times with you as they have impacted me greatly. Both happen to be with the same roommate. She has quite a history and twice in the last two weeks has reached an incredibly low place. Both times I was aware and also aware of the reasons that brought her to this place, the things that this would bring up within her, the lies that the devil often speaks within these moments and the harm and danger she could resort to because of it. First time I was aware but was in a different room, second time in the same room surrounded by many strong loving Christians on a prayer retreat. Both times I desired to go to her to hold her, to pray for her and to keep her from doing things that would hurt her, or cause regret later. But both times I could not because there was something greater saying “No, not yet. This isn't for you, you can’t stop this or fix it, stay where you are.” And so I would stay where I was and pray for her. First time I hear the bathroom door click and I know that she has gone to find a razor blade and I pray that she doesn't use it. Second time, I watch her leave and I pray she doesn't run.

First time I was sitting on the other side of the room waiting for some kind of indicator that I could go to her. It came in her texting me, crying out for prayer. I went to her, she handed me the blade and said “I don’t need this, please pray with me.” Second time it didn't not come until much later, if fact I could go to her all evening. By the time it came to bed I knew still I was not to talk with her and so I offered to pray for her right before bed but it was rejected with hurt and anger. It’s confusing knowing that someone is hurting so greatly but also being so aware of that fact that it is not yours to step into until God allows. Some moments I was wondering what I was waiting for but it was very clear I was waiting for a green light if you will from God. Until then I had to trust that He had it under his sovereign control.

The next morning was tense she was hurting by the fact that I was not coming to her in her hurt, yet I knew I couldn't, not yet. We walked into the cafeteria and she walked over to me, “I need to talk to you!” I stopped, “may I Father, please may I now?” and I knew I could. I don’t know how to explain it but I had been given the okay, it’s not a voice but it kind of is. We sat down and she poured out her hurt, fears, the way she was being held captive and believing the lies. She knew they were lies yet denied the fact that she could not believe them. She confessed to know that God was for her and yet denied being able to go forward in His strength. I knew I could not do it for her, I could do nothing but point her to God and so I did. Calling out her lies and challenging to her to see beyond her feelings, to identify the lies and to live in the truth. I told her I would walk beside her as we counteracted the devil’s power. We together faced her fear, we turned around, got proper food to eat for the first time and days, we sat with the group and moved forward choosing to forgive the hurts, to not believe the lies of the day before and to live in the power of the most high king. In those few moments of talking with her I told her my desire, for her in 5 hours by the time we had our next group activity that she would be back to the joy filled girl I knew her to be, not the one bogged down by the lies. It’s wasn't a pray that I sent to God but He heard it anyways and He answered it to the fullest. If I had done things my way I know it would not have ended the same way it did in the beauty of God’s love, salvation and restoration. It is not about what I do not say anyways it is all about His power and sovereignty over and in our lives and the way and time He chooses to use us for His purposes. 

Stay, tonight I want you here.

I had my own plans, I don’t want to stay, I’m tired maybe I should just go home, there never seems to be a purpose in my being here, there’s enough leaders tonight, I can go. Yet that still small voice continues, “Stay, tonight I want you here”. I know that voice it is the one I that I am hearing more and more since that day I've been praying to be more aware and obedient to it. I know I should stay yet I’m still not sure why.

Ten minutes later and I’m still not sure why, maybe I heard something wrong. I pick up the phone for a bit, people wonder in and out of the room as I remain oblivious to who. A few moments late everyone is headed up stairs for dinner only one girl remains. I asked her if she is okay and she seems to snap out of being zoned out. Then it comes, one thing after another. Her teacher passed away last night which had let her in a state of frustrations, unknowns, and questions and pondering the meaning of life, what comes after death? We talked about future, present, struggles, uncertainties and God. We remained there for the next 2 hours, talking and discussing. I was able to encourage her and to challenge her forward as well as hearing more of her story and journey.

It unfolded into such a beautiful night of truth and friend being build. It is such a privilege it is to be in this young ladies life, she in unique, a bit of an odd ball, the girl who never walks normally but always dramatically just to make people laugh. Her goal in life is to make people smile and feel at home. I thank God for her and for His promptings for me to stay and be used and be blessed in this way. 

Snow day!

We were sitting for lunch when our community direction approached our team to inform us that our Executive Director said we had the option to cancel camp due to the “snow storm” that hit Toronto. As these words come out of his mouth everyone’s expressed changed from “cool”, to “wait, then we don’t get to see the kids!”. Needless to say we ran camp disregarding the weather, snow just makes it more fun.

We boiled up about 2 liters of hot chocolate and prepared for a snow ball fight. We did not think a lot of the kids would come but were pleasantly surprised by the numbers as they flooded into the doors. We canceled homework and canceled bible studies and decided to focus on fun, love and laughter. The streetleaders were told they were not required to come, yet one young man asked if he could come anyways expressing his desire to just be with us.

I spent most of my day in the kitchen serving hot chocolate with marshmallows as they kids came in freezing cold and covered in snow. It was such a fun atmosphere and created so many opportunities to just sit down and have intentional times with one or two kids. I said on the gym floor beside a little boy of the age of 7 who was feeling a little sad, we sat as he sipped his hot chocolate till he forgot all about what he was sad about. There was much chatter as we sat around the kitchen table talking and could hear the two groups of kids having their games of basketball going on in the gym.

As I was walking home at the end of the observing the gorgeous sun sight flooding the sky I started a praying thanking God for a few kids that stood out to be today. As the names came out one after another after another and another and I realized just how much love there is existing at our camp. How amazingly privileged I am to be able to say thank you God for my 25 kids by name, and for specific character traits and reasons.

Lift your eyes

Some good, funny, and others crazy

Quiet, serious and terrifyingly weighty

From the highest high, falling fast,

To the lowest low, when in my own strength

The disappointments, hurts and wounds

From rebellion, abuse continuing in painful cycles,

Fatherlessness, teen pregnancies and drugs

Bondage, brokenness, evidence of a terrible dieses

Sinking fast in my own unrighteousness

No way to prevent or for damage control

I am as broken as they, lost in this world

Tossed by the waves, of these rapid pains

But there is one, who stands above

Whose grieves and hurts we cannot describe

He was broken over our broken state

He bled over our dark lives

His love reached out, to touch us

His righteousness alone, covered us

His life redeemed our very souls

Arise, His precious child

Lift your eyes, to the King on high

The reason behind everything

It was a typical Friday night and the kids where spiraled across the floor after finishing up our group bible study on the story of Peter walking on water. The instructions had been for them to choose a part of the story that they would take away from this evening. They were also told that if they wanted to have the opportunity to prayer about it with a leader they were welcome to that. The leader of the bible study had previously told me that she had asked God to be able to see just one kid who desired to be prayed for.

I proudly watched them as they focused and carefully thought as some eagerly and some more hesitantly wrote out their thoughts. I wondered over to one of the younger boys struggling with this activity and tried to help prop idea by asking him questions. As we finished one of my girls walked over to me with a very determined expression on her face. I assumed she was going to ask for permission to get a drink or use the washroom or something of the typical nature but instead she asked if she could share what she wrote and if I could pray for her.

We went to the edge of the room and I told her how proud I was of her for coming forward. This young girl has been growing in leaps and bounds since last year. She has such an interest and desire to learn and is always fully participating and asking questions without any hesitation. Yet she comes from such a broken place, a place of family members being involved in gangs and having been in and out of jail. Her life is filled with lies and poverty of true value and respect. I asked her what she took from the bible study and how I could pray for her. She opened her paper to reveal the words, “Oh you of little faith, said Jesus, why did you doubt”. I want to have more faith in my life, even when things are hard, I want to believe that Jesus is with me and I want to not doubt.

Oh what a childlike faith! The deep desire for faith, if she only knew the depth of her own words.

Bitter reality

It’s was one of those days that at the end of the day, as I board the bus on my way home I could do nothing but tune out. I turned out from the noise and the business, closed my eyes and wept inside. Silently praying against all the wrong, wickedness, difficult circumstances, pain and wounds that were brought to my attention this week.

It was a heavy week, difficult choices being made my kids in camp, disunity in community, hurts between team members, unexpected pregnancies in past kids and leaders, walking with fellow interns through hard personal decisions, kids having to leave camp for broken family reasons, bitterness building in hearts and insecurities destroying courage. My heart aches for the hurts that I see happening in or against people in my life.

Tears, lots of tears, grown men crying and becoming broken before God, young men crying over bad decisions, tears because of hurt and offenses, of pain and misery. Tears of reality.

What do you do with so much wrongness? The longer I am here the more I realize the answer is nothing. I can do nothing, I can only pray that God uses these things that seem so wrong and so messed up, lives ruined, destroyed and damaged to make them beautiful in His time. That He uses all of the pain and all of the hurts and all of the hardships for the purpose of drawing His own to the foot of the cross where they can rest secure in the Savior’s loving arms. This is my prayer.

Leadership retreat

As a second year intern I have not only the responsibility but the opportunity to help lead weekend leadership retreats for our high school aged street leaders. 

This weekend was went up to the great white north also known as Muskoka and had an awesome opportunities to continue building relationships, encourage them spiritually but also to experience with them a weekend of leadership training provided by Muskoka Woods.  

Their beautiful leadership studio has a motto of "A leader is some one who looks at their world and say it doesn't have to be this way and does something about it".

This weekend we experienced a jam backed schedule Friday night till Sunday afternoon of studying Shackleton an explorer in 1922 who lead an 28 men through an incredible, inspiring journey to the south pole. Even though Shackleton never completed the purpose and goal of his journey to the south pole he did complete his own personal goal of bring back every single one of the 28 men alive which is something that rarely happened on these excursions in that time. We learned how to chart a course using only a map and ruler, experienced the personal roles of the 28 men and talked through the many challenges and unique way Shackleton had of leading.  We also talked about self leading, personality types using the DISC test and spend an afternoon building a very challenging bridge representing the fact that as a leader you also need to be a bridge builder for your team.  

Beyond all of this my favorite part of the weekend was during of debreifs a time when we sat down and reflected on what we learned and shared. As normal people tend to be afraid to speak up and share their thoughts and ideas but our trainer had an extraordinary gift of calling people out and asking the right questions to help them working through the things they were learning as well as challenging them to not stop there. One young lady who was only 14 was very hesitant and also said statements like "I don't have a dream", "I don''t know", "There is nothing I want to do".  As she kept prodding it was discovered that she did have a dream, in fact a very big, very specific already thought out plan. She wants to go to Korea and teach English in grade two and has already started learning some Korean.  The debreif times are designed not only to help discuss the things we learned but to ignite passion, to give room to voice dreams, step out of boxes and to be stretched to confidence. 

As we finished this weekend before we walked over the suspended bridge to represent us as bridge building leaders as re entering the world that we came from we each had to stay one thing we would as a leader say doesn't have to be this way because we are going to do something about it. These young leaders also have coaches who will be checking in with them and helping them to be moving forward in their communities to be involved in a leadership role of some kind and to start chasing their dreams.