Confession's of a missionary

That frustrating state of feeling purposeless quickly swept over me Friday morning as I was driving into work. Why did I ever think I could be a missionary in the first place? Who was I kidding,

nothing I do makes a difference anyways. 

What was I even working towards? Day in and day out trying to run a good camp. 

Half the kids don't even like camp.

Why do I even bother going into the community, knocking on countless doors only to receive a closed door in return.

I say you do all of these things, but they never amount to anything, you knock but you don't even talk to anyone, what good is that? There are so many better missionaries out there, missionaries who actually do stuff that make a difference.

I pulled up to a high school and sat waiting, passing time listening to accounts of other couples who lived radical lives for Jesus. 

That's what a real missionary is, see how much they are loved and how much they do. They don't sit around in their car and say their working. 

She came running out of the school, "Hey Jello, my lunch ends at 1:18, where are we going?"

What do I say to here, I don't feel very talkative. She's enjoying her meal but this is kind of a waste of time, I should be talking about Jesus or something. I'm not doing this thing very well. 

As the interns left to go pick up the kids  I escaped to my kitchen to finish up dinner.

Why do I even bothering cooking all this food, the kids don't even like it most days.

A volunteers arrives and chatters on to me about her day, I listen and fill her in on the plans for camp today. After awhile of silence she excuses herself to go finish up some homework

I can't even communicate, I'm suppose to be leading these people and I can't even probably carry a conversation with a volunteers, they probably think I am the worst supervisor ever.

First kid arrives, my darling 11 year old early bird. I attempt to talk to her asking her about her day as we played with her remote control car.

This is so shallow.

"Jello," she breaks into my thoughts, "can we spend some time together just you and me after camp some day?"

Why would she want to spend time with me. I don't get it. She just wants to spend time with me. That seems to easy.....

I walk into the gym, it's packed full of kids and youth sitting around the table for dinner together. One  little 5 years old's come running up to me, "Jello, hug," as they quickly embraced me and skipped off. And than another and another. Even little Ty comes bouncing over, wraps his little arms around my waist and smiles up at me "Hi Jello". 

I don't understand, I don't deserve this. Why do these kids love me?

The night rolled on, talent show, multiple dances, jello eating contest, hand stand contest, fear of being on stage met with applauded encouragement and laughter. 

Tears shed and more hugs given, apologize made and forgiveness extended before they all rushed out the door and home again. 

Get over yourself Janelle, this isn't about you.

I joined a young volunteer to finished washing up the forks, plates and cups.

I'm so concerned with how I look to others, what I accomplish and what I think a missionary should be, that my gaze is often stuck on myself rather than on Jesus and His mission. 

Thursday Nights

Last night 11 of us crowded around a small table, shared dipping sauces and passed the bag of chips around the circle. Multiple conversations going on all at once and lots of laughter filled the four cornered cement building  where we meet. 

It isn't fancy, it's a little cold and empty at times. The water only runs cold and so we boil water in order to wash dishes at the end of the evening.  There is a continuous rattling noise which causes much concern and fear for the girls coming from an old heater behind a locked door. But given all of these things we are so excited to finally be able to use this old building that has stood empty for so long in the heart of the community. 

As we began the time of bible study my co-leader asked a follow up question from last week's discussion. "Who do you say that I am?" A question Jesus had asked his followers. 

We waited in that uncomfortable long silence desiring for the youth to share were they thought they were at with Jesus, and who He is to them. We had a back up plan in case no one spoke but it wasn't long before the first brave girl spoke up. "Well I am kind of confused about all that Jesus stuff right now and I just don't know, so I come here to learn more". She quickly turned to her friend and put her on the spot. One by one they all took a turn sharing. "I'm not really talking to Him right now, it's hard", another slowly spoke up, " For me He is Christ and I have accepted him, but I want to learn more". A young man spoke up," I talk to Him when I have no one else and I come here to get away from my family, it's like a second home" another, "I know that He is the Christ but I don't think I have fully accepted Him yet, but I want to get there." Honest, real answers. 

I am so proud of this group of youth and their desire to grow, each in there own place making little brave steps in a good direction whether it's after months of isolating herself, coming out for the first time or being brave enough to ask questions, encouraging one another. I am so thankful for the Thursday evenings I get to spend with this group. 

• Please be praying for myself and Jordan my co-leader as we seek to challenge, grow, love, lead and hold accountable this group of youth through our Thursday night gatherings. 
• Please prayer for the youth as they come out, that it continues to be a place where they feel safe and not judged, a place for them to be real and to learn no matter where they are at.
• Please prayer above all that the Spirit would be present and be moving in the hearts of us all as we dive into the word together.