Fear

Tonight on walk homes two little boys spent the last few minutes before arriving at their home asking me repeatable to make sure I remember to inform their family member who good they had been, how well they listened, or happy they had been at camp. As we entered their hallway they did a double check to make sure their hat, scarfs and mitts where all on correctly to avoid being yelled at for not dressing properly.

As I stood at the door honestly reporting how well the boys had been, how well they listen and the ways we had seen them improve I knew they were both staring up at me hoping I would not forget any of the details. Once I had finished with the good report of the day it was responded with a far to brief nod of the head before negative words and bad past behave was spoken over them. Their hopeful smiles disappeared for once again there had been no acknowledgement, no praise or smile or high five. Just a slight nod before they were once again talked down and told off.

Fear, is a feeling that too many of our kids experience. This may not seem so odd for you to believe or imagine as you are aware that they all come from rough neighborhoods. Of course coming from such places would cause fear, but it is not so much the neighborhoods that I see them fearing. It is not the guys down the block or the house over there. It is not the crowding hanging in front of their building or the shading looking fellow sitting in his car.

They fear something that has a far bigger influence in their lives. They fear going home, they fear the very people the live with. The fear their family whether it is an older brother, cousin, grandma, mother or random person who dwells with them. They fear the harshness, the negativity spoken over their lives, the hurtful words and actions that are said or shown without a single thought.

As I walked away from their door, the young leader walking with me shook his head in his own disappointment with the situation as he mumbled how unfair it is. Why can’t they just be proud of themselves for 2 minutes before you shut them down again? As we discussed the unfairness of the situation I turned to Him and said, “I guess that’s why we are here doing what we are”. We can’t change any of it but we can speak positive, proud, loving words into these kids and we must, because we may be the only ones who are! 

Just to hang out

He is 13, growing up far too fast and is becoming preoccupied with other things besides camp. He is really into basketball and it is not uncommon for him to ditch us “leaders” to go to practice. Now this is not all bad, it is a good discipline and training he is getting, but the down side of it is though that we miss him at camp. Since the beginning of Sept he has not come Friday nights due to practice but this past Friday He stopped by for the few hours before camp and before his basketball practice just to hang out.

We messed around in the gym for a bit, chatted and had some fun teasing him. We at one point duck taped him to a post in the office trying to find a way to make him stay for the night all in fun of course. We laughed a lot of it was good. When it was time for him to head to practice he came to find me and asked me if I would walk him to the bus stop. Now this may seem very insignificant but let me tell you why this meant too much to me. This young man has a fear, a fear of walking alone in the dark. He lives in a very rough neighborhood and it is probably a good fear to have. Last year every Friday night when it was time to go home he would change from being a tough kid who didn't need anything from anyone to being a little boy asking me to walk him home and so I did every Friday night, it became a routine and one that I treasured.

This year things have changed and he had not until this night asked me to walk him anywhere. It meant a lot as I walked him to the bus stop 20 meters from the church. It wasn't far, he could have done it but he preferred to have me walk him. When I first met this kid we did not get alone, in fact he really didn't like me but the beautiful thing is a year later he comes by just to see me and to hang out. He has this place where he knows he can come any time and will be valued and loved and no matter how old he is I will still walk him to the bus stop.

Shoe less

It started like any ordinary kid's trip, we met up with the kids at the church and caught the bus to get to our location this week being down town to go to the St Lawrence Market. We had 5 girls and I was really excited to take them some where new and spend some time laughing with them. If I only knew.
After quiet a long but fun trip we went exiting the subway to walk to the market, it wasn't far now, almost there. Then at the top of the escalator my foot got caught as I should have been getting off. Because i did not step off of the last step my shoe slide under the tiny little gap. I tried to pull it out but since I was on a moving escalator I had nothing to get leverage off of and before I knew it my foot slide out of the shoe and it vanished through the gap, crap!

We all fell into a great heap laughing at the insanity of it all and before I could blink one of the young girls started grabbing newspaper from the shelve to make me a paper shoe. Due to a nice TTC worker who provide elastic bands we were able to fashion a shoe and off we set again. Only problem was it was raining, not quite the right condition to be walking around with a paper shoe. I was humiliated for any of you who know me I hate standing out and being out of control, now I was both walking down the street with one shoe and newspaper. After we wondered through St Lawrence Market we replaced the wet newspaper with a plastic bag which looked "way" better.

My plan all alone was to buy a new pair of shoes quickly but it never felt worth it enough to drag all the kids to a shoe store besides they enjoyed laughing at me and so for the next four hours I  walked around with a plastic bag and then my sock, down the streets, through the Eaton Center and all the way back home on the TTC. My foot was freezing but I was also learning some very valuable lessons, let go of the pride its really not worth it just learn how to laugh at it. Second how much I take my shoes for granted and what it feels like to be without a basic need ( or does it even count as a need?) while everyone around you has it without even considering the fact. It was a fun day but all my girls say the best part was me losing my shoe and walking without it for 5 hours in the rain. I'm glad it made their day because it was my favorite pair of shoes so it makes it all worth it in the end. Defiantly the strangest thing that has ever happened to me and I will definitely be careful on escalators from now on and none of my girls will ever forget to tell me to be careful when I get onto one.