Learning

It’s in that moment that complete and utter frustration hits.  When you know you have the right to feel wounded and hurt but you don’t. You shove it off as if it was a brush on the shoulder and you continue on to prove that you can make it through. But everything after things big or small just keep adding to that frustration and you catch yourself holding your breath and saying nothing even when a million things are running through your head.

It is the last day of regular camp for the year 2012 and things felt like they could have not gone any worse. All the buildup for this last day, the special plans, extra attention given and special gifts and cards to show affection were bought and ready to be given. Things turned bad so fast, attitudes, disrespect and anger. Trying to make the most out of every moment only to be met with silence, rude comments and zero participation. Gifts were given and received with a mumble of a thank you without any real gratitude or appreciation. One particular girl, handed the gift right back to me with the words, I don’t want it.

There are no words for things like this. You can’t explain or describe it in a way that others would understand. But something one of my supervisors said does help me to understand and be okay when something like this happens. He said, “Working with these kids sure does teach you a lot of Christ.” He could not be more right. Think about it, God fights for you every day, he battles to spend time with you, he seeks to show you in every situation that he wants to be close to you. He cares for you, provides for you and seeks to show you his love through it all. He gave you a gift, special gift and he desires for you to take pleasure in it and to appreciate it, to accept it. How many times do you shove the gift God gave you back into his face?

I am so guilty of this, when I make the decision to mull around in my sin instead of living is he wills. When I do not appreciate what Christ did for me, or when I do not speak of it to others. I am so guilty of be ungrateful for what I do not receive but what has been given to me anyways. One of the biggest things God has been showing me through these kids is love, a kind of love that gives when it isn't deserved. This has helped me while working with the kids but on a bigger and deeper level it has shown me more clearly the wonder of the gift that Christ has extended to me. 

Friday, 14, 2012

December fourteenth two thousand and twelve, the day a very broken person walked into a kindergarten room and shot killing twenty seven, eighteen of which were children from the website I read.

Questions flood my mind, why do these things happen, how can someone walk into a kindergarten room and do such things? What kind of motive or intentions were behind this event?

I first head of this shooting around 1 p.m. this afternoon but it wasn't until my kids started walking through the basement doors that my heart started to bleed. Thoughts of that happening in this neighborhood or even having the news delivered that a certain number of my kids had been shot was something I could not handle. My heart bleeds for the many people, whether they are teachers, students, family or friends or everyone in Newtown.

The hurt and devastation that something like this causes is tremendous.  Tragic events such as this has the power to bring a town or community together faster than anything ever can. To provide support for one and another as everyone is affected. This reminds me of a message I once heard on Ecclesiastes 7:2 It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.

Why would a house of mourning ever be better than a house of rejoicing? Can you ever think of a time you would rather be sad and grieving over being happy and rejoicing. It doesn’t seem to make any sense. Yet in Ecclesiastes the writer is talking about the vanities of live. The fleetingness and how nothing lasts in this life. The writer calls us to something more than what is in the world. To seek something that is of lasting value which of course is a lasting relationship with our Lord and Savior which is the only thing that will give us a lasting reason and purpose in this life.  The writer says that a house of mourning is better than a house of rejoicing, for the reasons that in a place of mourning there is a brokenness were we see our need for a Savior, opposed to a house of rejoicing were we are distracted by our own pleasure and happiness created in something we do on our own, without the need of a Savior to be a part of our lives.

This being said let me bring your attention back to the shooting that occurred in Connecticut this morning.  It is devastating and wrong; something like this should never have or ever should happen. Yet we live in a sinful broken world were wrong things happen. Yet when I see a community come together to cry and support and go through this tragic event together it shows me a glimpse of hope and of understanding this passage. There is so much room for prayer and support from others in times such as these for the people in Newtown and all over the USA. Pray for these people and families especially who have been effected in huge ways. Pray that God would make Himself known and that He would be real in the hearts and lives of His people. That He would comfort and love the hurt and the broken and that through this time of mourning many would come to know and experience His saving power.

Lines

The other day I started rehearsing a Christmas skit with 10 kids. I had asked a six year old boy to be Joseph in the skit, he was eager and excited. Being the youngest in the skit he only had one line. "Nothing is impossible with out God, He does things in strange and amazing ways."
First day of practice we sat in a circle and read through the lines in order. His part didn't  come until close to the end and he sat very patiently beside me waiting for his part with his eyes glued to his line.
As we were getting closer he pulled on my sleeve and whispered, can you tell me what it says, I can't read.
I had not realized this and whispered his line into his ear as the other continued. When it was his turn he said in a loud clear voice exactly what I had said to him with only a few mistakes.
A few of the other kids started giggling but I am proud to hear the oldest in the group, a twelve year old boy tell the others to be quiet at least this little boy had tried really hard.
The laughter did not stop his determination and the next time we ran through the lines he kept asking me to read him his line.
I was  rather busy directing the shepherds so we co-leader sat down with him and they repeated them to each other. It was one of those precious moments when you see something and your heard melts.
As it was coming closer to his part He again said in a loud clear voice his entire line perfectly just missing the last word.
I was so proud of Him!
This was the end of the rehearsal yet he came up to me quietly and asked me if you could help him read his line again tomorrow. I am so excited to go to camp today and help this determined little boy memorize his line. More then that I hope this little boy  not only learns his line but that He would learn something deeper and more lasting. The words of our Lord and Savior who says "I am the way the truth and the light of the world, whoever follows me shall never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Purpose

I'm sitting here after a 12 hour day of craziness! Something that I have realized more and more is that I need purpose, purpose in my life and purpose in every single day. The worst days I have had are always days were I am wondering about aimless without goals, determination or motivation.
Knowing and figuring this out has been a real growing thing. It challenges me to make myself grow through books, experiences and just stepping into tough or unknown situations.

Purpose can be anything weather its cutting up paper to make snow flakes with a little boy or chasing  kid around with a ball. It can be getting excited over little accomplishments, picking up a kid after school or even help a child with math. It is a purpose and holds a bigger meaning because of what we are doing.
Today I had many little purposeful minutes at camp, times of redirection or challenging them to be make better choices.
This morning was also my morning to go to school, it was my best day at school. I felt like all the kids are excited to see me which helps but they are also eager to have me help them or to just have an input on their projects.

This afternoon I was also co-leading a Christmas skit with one of my peers. We had ten kids ages 6-12 and they did incredible for the first day of seeing their lines. It was a very good day of basketball, skit, redirecting, leading, challenging and growing. It was a day full of purpose!

It's not me it's You!

Every day my mind is full of thoughts of camp, weather I am at camp hanging out with the kids and running programs or whether I am at home thinking or ideas or making plans.

My intentions, attitudes and motives are not always what they should be.

Some days I am just so discouraged by things that I don't do things the way I should.  

I start thinking and acting like depend on me, my pride gets in the way and I act like I am in control.

Things like this can completely ruin my day or even my week.

When I do not take the time to include God in my plans or in my day!

There is this song by Switch foot that say "there's always something getting in the way, there's always something getting through, it's not me it's you."

God always gets in the way, in a very good way! And He always gets through, it's always Him and never me!

This week was  difficult one, some of the girls had a really tough week. They were rude and quick disrespectful at times. You could tell they were feeling comfortable at camp.

It didn't bother me to much as this has happened before but it particularly bothered my fellow leader as she felt like they were treating her well while the treated me not see well.

She ended up sitting down with these girls and talking to them about their behavior which brought about a good change!

I did not realize though until the end of the week just how hard this week had been, I was restless and unsettled for the most of it which was frustrating.

I had a few reminders on Saturday that encouraged me and helped me to get back onto the right page for this week.

First, I am to rest in God, Zeph 3:17

Second, it's not about me and it's all Him, I can do nothing without Him,

and Third, I need to take my focus off the work and place it on the God of the work instead.

A Saturday adventure

Ministry at Urban Promise is all about building relationships, to build trust and friendships to be able to build into and be a part of the kids lives.

I personally find planning a program and running it can at times be much easier then really getting to know some one and being a part of there life.

At other times it feels really easy, normal and almost like I am not doing anything.

Some days it feels like I just hang out with some kids, shoot some hoops, cook some food and have  of fun, then I call it ministry and its all good.

Today started as one of these days. The plan was to go to some of my boys basketball tournament. Pretty sick way to spend a Saturday and be able to label it as ministry eh! I thought so.

As it turned out it was quick the distance from home so Jess and I set off taking buses all the way to Thorn hill  you may think it is not that far and I didn't think so either but when you are relying on the TTC and then even worse the York region bus it takes a very long time!

On top of that we got confused as to were we were going, we asked around but no one was helpful and everyone was rude and that is how we found out selves standing in a bus shelter for 45 mins in the freezing cold missing our boys game.

I was mad! I knew how much the boys wanted us to come and I really wanted to be there. I had all good intentions to step into their lives and be a part of something that was important to them, so why the heck was I stuck in a bus shelter. After 45 min of sitting there and excepting the fact that we pretty much screwed up and we may as well go home we tried to think of why our day went so crappy  The best conclusion we could come up with at the time was that maybe it was to be able to better understand how the homeless feel.

A bus finally showed up we boarded and were ready to just go home. We continued chatting about the horrible day and the driver as well as a passenger over heard us and helped us figure out where to go. They told us were to get off and which bus to catch. At this point we just wanted to go home but they were so helpful we got off and waited only to realize that we were going in circles. Giving up again we decided not even to try to make it to the end of the game anymore and go home. Just as we turned on our heels from the bus stop the bus pulled up empty with an amazing bus driver who pretty well drove us straight to the school. He seemed like our angel and we ran up the block to the school and caught the last 2 minutes of the boys game.

One of the boys saw us and came over with a huge smile and said Thanks for coming guys! Suddenly all the frustrations of the morning and the freezing temperatures didn't matter, that smile that appeared on his face was worth it all. As it turned out they had another game in 1 1/2 hrs so we hung around, talk a bunch and was able to watch their second game. A number of kids in my class at school also played on this team and were excited to see Miss Janelle watching them.

My boys may have lost the game since they had the fewest players, the smallest players, the worst jerseys and not the greatest coach compared to the other teams. There were a lot of difference between the teams and my boys defiantly played for the team that didn't have any money for sports such as this but it was cool to b a part of it and it meant the world to them that they had some one cheering them on!

Ministry can be tiring, it can be hard, it can be a lot of struggles all piled up but some times ministry is about showing the kids that you rather come be with them then be else where and some times its as easy as showing up and watching them throw a ball around.