The true light

“The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to come children of God. Who were born not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh nor the will of man, but of God.”  John 1:9-13

All I heard was silence.

What is normally a very loud group of four 12-13 year old boys were sitting in silence.

The consistent chatter of talking over each other was stilled as they sat and focused on the video being shown.

The video started with a man stumbling through crowded streets carrying a cross as people cried, scoffed as the soldiers escorted him outside of the city.

The video played on with no words besides the music playing, the lips of the characters moved showing conversation as Simon offered to carry the cross and later as the thief on the cross besides Christ asked Him to remember him when he came into His kingdom.

As I sat and watched my 4 young men take in this video as well as my two 17 year old streetleaders my heart prayed for an understand of the truth of what all of this meant for their lives. I prayed that it would not just be another time of hearing this story, that it wouldn't just be a story being told but rather it would be about lives being restored.

As the video ended Stevie their leader stood before them and simply said, “That is why Jesus was born at Christmas.”

He spoke about how the cross bridged the way between us sinners and God and finished in a prayer.

When he finished instead of everyone getting up eager and ready to play a game the boys all remained in their seats.

They were quiet.

Not quite knowing what to say, I acknowledged the sadness of this video but reminded them that Christ birth can be a celebration because He came to die but not to remain dead but rather to die in our place and to raise again to defeat death.

Within seconds their hands began to rise with questions.

One at a time they started asked questions, really good questions.

We pulled the Bible back out and read together the story of Christ’s death.

These boys spent the rest of their time at camp asking questions and reading to find the answers.

My pray for these young guy is that this Christmas they would understand the very great importance of Christ birth into this world but that they would understand the importance of it in their own lives.

Please join me in praying for this in the lives of these four boys as well as for my two streetleaders.

A gift

Christmas

It’s about a gift

Yes a gift

But not the kind you think

It’s about a gift

One that came

In the tiniest of packages

With the most delicate of design

A gift that was brand new

It smelt new, felt new

Blood sweat and tears

Delivered this gift

A heart full of love

Carried this gift

That first Christmas

A gift of infinite worth

One that had since the begin

Been thought out

Planned and prepared

A gift for You

A gift in the strangest of forms

Like a gift disguised by its box

This gift was concealed in a babe

Brought forth not in décor

Not in ribbons, or colors of red and green

But given out of eye sight of most

Quietly, without a show

While the world rushed around

A gift was born

A gift

God initiated forgiveness that day

In providing a gift

That would fill our every need

The living water

The bread of life

The gift that could forgive

The gift that would last eternally

A gift for you

So as the world rushes around you

Look for the gift

Look for God’s provision of life

Look for his precious delicate

Planned and prepared

Demonstration of love

Through blood sweat and tears

Disguised in many simple forms

His gift

To You

His gift of Life

Walking through a day at camp!

A day at camp begins with us meeting the kids right after school, getting on to the bus and all arriving at Camp Hope together. 

 Camp Hope is a place where these young girls have role models who love them, speak into their lives and are there for them as a friend. As you can see they adore her! 

 At Camp some of these young boys for the first time have an older male in their lives who is not a bad influence to them. Some one to show to demonstrate a different way to live. He is a godly man who disciplines and directions them and as a result they greatly seek his approval/love.

 At camp you can be yourself, whether your loud and out going or quiet and shy, you are valued and loved for being you!

 It is also a place where you just be. A lot of these kids have no where to be and no one to be home with them. So whether they have had a hard day they known it's a place where they are welcomed!

 It's a place for fun! To dress up, imagine, laugh and to be free!

 We also have snack, carrots, cheese and crackers!

 Of course we spend time learning, whether that's doing our homework, writing our own comic stripes or learning new things together!

The power of a father's embrace

 It captured my attention, I was sitting in church and couldn't take my eyes off the man a few seats down the row. He sat front row, listening fully engaged and completely oblivious to what was shaking up my heart. His arms were wrapped fiercely around his son, his large body full encompassed the little boy as he snuggled deep into the embrace. This young boy around the age of 8 rested his head on his father’s arm that was holding him securely.

It was so beautiful it broke my heart, because of the pure innocence of the father who in that moment did not even realize what he was giving his son and for the little boy completely unaware of the immense care being shown to him. It broke my heart for so many young boy who have never experienced such an embrace from the strong arms of a father, who have never felt the security to lay limp, surrendered of all the “little boy” strength or toughness to be caught and content in the shelter of arms stronger than their own.

I think of how love holds the power to breaks down barriers of in dependency, self-protecting and self-defense to being cared for, defended and protected. I think of 12 year old's who have no place that they can feel this kind of protection and love of a Father.

I pray that this man with his child may understand the depths of what He is faithfully being to his son and that he may understand the importance of it. And for the so many boys who lack the protecting, secure embraces of their fathers I pray that they would find this place where they can give up the struggle and snuggle into the shelter of their heaven Father’s arms! 

A picture painted through words

I wish I could paint an accurate pictures with my words to help you understand the complex, broken yet precious homes and lives that the children I work with come from.

As an intro of my day involved in their world began around 3:15 when I got off the TTC bus and walked through the neighborhood to the school yard just past the rows and rows of Toronto Community Housing, all the same bricks upon bricks. The only difference I see between them as I walk through the rows of brick buildings lining the road is the marks left behind on the bricks of the corner unit from the targeted shooting to that home just over two weeks ago. What blows my mind is across the street is the home where some of our children from camp sleep and live.

As I cross over the road I notice two guys, dressed in dark clothing, moving slowly down the sidewalk. Yes, that description sounds awfully stereotypical, but one of these young guys hardly reaching the age of 20 is wanted by police regarding the previous shooting mentioned. Young boys who lacked any form of good role models while being raised in an environment that says fight back, hit harder and if that doesn't work hit with a gun.

It’s a disgusting cycle of kids learning from kids and never being taught forgiveness, love, how to communicate and certainty not unity. As these guys wonder through the neighborhood they walk past little children walking home from school and this is what is normal for them.

As I enter the school grounds I am met by many of a children, eager for hugs and love. I pull one girl aside, pray fully asking God to be softening her heart. She slapped a kids hard on Friday, left the boy in tears and now I had to explain to her the consequences of her actions which meant suspending her from camp for the day. She’s a young girl, brought up in a world where you hit and slap when you are frustrated because the other person is asking for it and so it is justified.

I was quickly pulled into the next situation as two girls came running towards me informing me that there was a fight happening on the other side of the field, but quickly including that if anyone asks they were not the ones to tell me. The fear of doing what we consider right is one that is instilled in them at such a young age because of the potential consequences laid on you for being a tattle tale.

Things calm down, fight gets under control and we arrive to camp. I find the boy that had been slapped and we sit in the office for the next 45 minutes talking through what happened. His words caused my heart to ache as he sincerely spoke of the hatred he knew the other kids all had for him. About how He has been slapped, kicked and punched often by many of them, how he is used to it and believes that he in fact deserves it. 

The twisted lifestyle of what so many of these kids are being raised and taught in causes me to grieve. And yet when they are older and acting out of what was started many years before and demonstrated by their neglectful mothers, absent fathers and gang member role models we so often lack the compassion and love that they desperately need.

I don’t get it all and I certainly don’t have it all together. I don’t know how to love the girl that has to care for her siblings because he mom is never home, I don’t know how to untangle a heart that has been neglected for years upon years. I am just very thankful that I have a father who knows, he sees who cares and who is capable of transforming work in each of their hearts and lives. 

Please continue to pray for the work of UrbanPromise Toronto as we seek to reach children and raise them into leaders who restore their communities. 

If you would like to take  an active role in support me in this ministry by being a monthly financial support I encourage you to send me an email so we can connect @ janelle@urbanpromise.com or to visit the website @ www.urbanpromise.com

Misunderstood

Young misunderstood stumbles his way 

into the room and drops onto the coach 

distracted in his own thoughts and agenda.

He is quickly consumed in conversation with his friends 

and does not notice his leader giving instructions.

Now he is being lectured, looked down on and his emotions grow. 

Why are the leaders always on his case?

From one activity to the next he is always last, 

half the time doesn't even know where he’s supposed to be.

Now it’s homework time and his work is placed in front of him, 

a few minutes into reading instructions that make no sense 

he turns to his friend and begins to talk.

Again the leader is on his case, 

telling him to quiet down and get his work done. 

Not once does he think to ask, 

or does he try to explain his case.

Frustrating grows, noting seems to work. 

So we try something new, 

we set him up to succeed instead of setting him up to fail

Instead of looking for young misunderstood to mess up 

and not pay attention let’s watch for him putting in effort.

Let’s watch for those moments of frustrations for him, 

let’s watch to see how we can help him.

Let’s encourage him through a simple smile 

that says I believe in your and 

I am proud of how hard you are trying.

Young misunderstand smiles in return 

and from his fumbled distraction, 

refocuses himself in confidence because he is believed in.

Settling in

It’s feeling more and more like home. The first few weeks were more difficult between figuring out a new routine, a new section of the city, buses, grocery store all on top of plunging into after school program, learning new names and faces while leading people I am also just beginning to know. Yet in the newness of it all, there is a well acquainted feeling. Regardless of the new names and faces, building, community, bus numbers and programming details here and there it all is quite familiar and feels like home.

We are well into the 5^th week of after school program this year and daily more responsibly are being handed over to me. Since a came into after school program during the second week things had been planned and brainstormed ahead of time for the month of Oct which has been a great blessing of being able to watch street leaders lead games, being able to lead bible studies myself and watching everyone work together. Moving forward into the next few weeks I will be leading my  team of two interns and three street leaders to brainstorming more long term of what they want this year to be.

I am convinced as I have sent time planning and setting goals for the things I want to see for program for the youth over the next year that intentionality is a key word for me in it all. As I sat and thought about what we are doing I realized again just how easy it is for anyone to run an after school program in or for an at risk community and I am sure there are a large number of such programs already across this city. So why, why after school programs and to what end because I know for certain it is not just about being one in a long line of programs offered. What makes our program different?

I think it comes down to the intentionality we put into the focus of why we are doing what we do. We run program not to make good citizens or to teach kids how to be leaders and make a difference although we want both of these things to be true for our kids and youth, but it is not the ultimate focus. The focus is Christ, we want them to know Christ, not just know about him but truly know him personally. That changes how we run program, it takes the focus off of great programming, or the best homework help, or the greatest technology and puts all the focus on pouring into the youth the love of Jesus Christ. Modeling the impact within our own hearts from having a personal relationship with Him and tying those two things together thought teaching and walking through life this year with them.

Please pray that we would be fixed on Christ in all our planning, pray for good discussions and opportunities with the youth as we begin splitting into small groups to cultivate discussion and learning together.

Please pray for me as I lead my team, that I would listen well and coach them in a way that enables them to grow and learn as well as that points them to Christ.

I came that they might have life

 Thank you for reading this and for journeying with me! Tonight I struggle to know how to share with you what is going on in my heart and mind. It is just past 9 pm and I am sitting in my apartment reflecting on the past day. It contained a lot for me.

I was harshly reminded in so many different ways of the dangers, the evil and the desperate need for a Savior in this city and within this community I am working in. My morning began with a pray meeting with fellow woman in ministry where we shared daily struggles and things going on within our separate communities. My roommate who is working as a youth worker to the homeless youth downtown also joined this morning and shared with us horrific stories of the people with faces, lives and family members just like us. Only moments later we were joined by a late arrival who carried the disturbing news that early Saturday morning there had been a sexual assault of rape in the community where I serve. Only doors away from where my youth laid sleeping in their beds a man knocked on a door around 4 A.M and proceeded to rape the poor woman who opened the door.

This harsh, harsh reality of the terrible brokenness of this world. Hours later from another co-worked I hear of another incident only from the day before a drive by shooting just down the road committed by mere kids, youth.

The day continued and we picked up the kids from school and brought them to camp. It was a chaotic day, the kids had a lot of energy and struggled to listen well. A young boy particularly had a difficult day, he always seems miles away and his attention span even in a one to one conversation is not much to speak of. I struggle to know how to work with him, his care to do well is non-existent. I know from my co-workers that he comes from a very broken, unstable home and I simply plea that God will show me how to love this boy in a way that he needs it but also in a way that will show him the love of God, one that will never fail or abandon him.

As the kids leave at the end of program I spend a few minutes talking with my co-worker who runs the kids program who shares with me that she had to suspend four 9-10 year old girls after a bullying incident where they had planned and nearly executed the “beating” of another girl in camp. Sweet 9 and 10 year old girls who are shown and demonstrated by the community around them that this is acceptable.

Sometimes I forget, I forget the terrible brokenness. Camp can look so normal some days, so easy and fun. Kids arriving after school high in energy and hungry just like any other kids after a day of sitting in school. But I can forget the homes that they can come from. I hate these evil reminders of the events they live with, the terrible effects of sin. When I look at the realities that today showed I shake my head at the craziness and the seemingly out of control evil that runs amiss. It brings me to a place of crying out to God for His saving, life giving power to come and have its way in the hearts and lives of so many people!

John 10:10 “The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy but I CAME that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

First day at Camp Hope

"Hi Jello are you taking Tracy’s place?"

"Yes dear, I am."

First off I’d like to share with you the tremendous blessing it is to be able to follow after someone like Tracy. It is a beautiful thing to look at the kids and be able to see the personality and love of this dear woman who has captured their hearts. She has taught them how to love and how to be open to change even when it’s painful or sad. This question is a reminder to me of all the love that has been poured into them and as much as I am filling the role Tracy had before me I am not filling her place in these kids hearts, but because of the love that has been poured into them their hearts have grown to be open and willing in receiving new people into their hearts and that is one of the many ways God used Tracy in this community!

Twelve years old and dressed the part, her voice four volumes to high. Yes, looking for the attention of the eyes of anyone who might notice. Her words teetering on the edge of __________ as she draws people into listening to the gossip of so and so.

Under her breath mocking her leader as she steps forward to pick her work sheet, selecting the easiest and returning to her seat. She’s trying to follow the rules. I joke around with her, make her in her actions take back her previous spoken words of homeworking being no fun. She awkwardly sounds out words actually trying now.

Confusion written all over her face as her eyes are fixed scanning the words on the page. She’s trying to match what is being read to what she sees. The words of her bible are similar but don’t match up with the order she hears them being read. As the passage is discussed, she is eager to participate, open to hearing and as her eyes meet mine her face is radiantly lit with a smile. 

She’s sitting on the edge of her seat, her eyes eliminated. She’s waiting for her card to be called, but she gets trapped in ones again. In the excitement of the game she is fixed on hearing her next instructions. Not trying to gain attention or keep up an appearance but lost in the thrilled of being a kid and trying to win a game.

This is her fourth day at camp with UrbanPromise Toronto, Camp Hope ever. As I reflect over the day we didn't do anything that was super cool, are snack was little, program was no extravagant but something about being there made this young lady truly happy. I am excited to know her, to hear about her life, to journey with her this next year. I ask you to pray for her, thanking God for her receptiveness and asking Him to work through His Holy Spirit in her life. 

My heart of thanks

1. For my family who is so helpful and is putting up with my boxes of stuff and furniture being everywhere over the last few days

2. Having my whole family home this past Sunday.

3. For an apartment to work out in such perfect timing

4. All the side blessings of the location of this apartment (close to the community I work in, to a grocery store, subway station, my bank, the lake shore to go running and an indoor swimming pool for my roommate)

5. The joy of being able to feel sad about moving out of the house and farther away from my brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces and parents knowing that I will be missed and that I will miss them, it hurts a little but I would not want to leave any other way.

6. Very thankful for the past three months I have had living closely with my family, restoring, building and maintaining relationships to what they are today!

7. My dad who helped me finish restoring my kitchen set last minute

8. For the many many ways God has provided for so many different needs through so many different people!

Such a mixture of feelings of excitement and arrival of something I have waited for yet the sudden realization of the full reality of what it all entails. Come home three months ago was something that I was quite worried about, it is hard to move home after being independent for two years. I knew it would be a stretch to say that fitting in the routines and schedules of my busy large family would be easy. I knew that there would be times that I would clash with certain siblings just like I did when I lived at home before. At the same time I also knew some of my relationships within my family were at stake, that there was growing frustrations and hurt as well as the destroyer of communication; misunderstanding. It was scary coming home and not knowing if I would be able to hold my tongue, to love regardless or to be bold, honest and authentic enough to work through certain things.

On Sunday my whole family came home for dinner. We typically gather early for thanksgiving and so on Sunday the 24 of us gathered around a table and gave thanks. It's tradition starting with the youngest all sharing one things we are thankful for, with the rule of it being only one thing and no repeats aloud. I love my family and as we sat laughing and sharing conversation I was.......I am  tearing up.  I am very very very thankful for the time that I have had at home. I am soo thankful for the relationships my family have with each other, for the way we stick together and also find our way back home. For the way we protect and can be hard on each other simply because we care. I am thankful for my three blood sisters though different we are to the extremes we work through them, for my extra two sisters who bring life, joy to our family. For my eight tough protective caring each in their own way brothers and the brother in law who fits right in. For my three adorable nephews, my little lady of a niece and my parents who give and give and give for all of us!

I am thankful that this is hard, I wouldn't want it to be easy because than it wouldn't be this good!

 

Back to….whatever it is you’re doing

September brings order and routine back into our lives after the business of the summer.  Although not much changes personally for me in regards to my routine things around me are changing and returning back to the normal rhythm of life. The school bus makes its way down my street picking up the kids for first day of school and program after program begins up again whether it’s in the corporate world,  church, or community centre, it’s the season for programs and schedules.

Just like everything else UrbanPromise is also starting up their afterschool programs. The new interns for this season have arrived and planning has begun as we look into the next year of building relationships for the purpose of reaching children, raising leaders and restoring community. I am eager to be a part of all of this as soon as possible! I am thankful for the small ways I am able to be a part of it and am eager to soon meet the new interns who have come for a year to serve and love in our communities.

As I look at where I am at financially as I work towards having 70% of my yearly financial goal of $30,000 I am continually amazed by the way God provides. In the times of worry, anxiousness and concern He is never out of control and is using so many people in my life to make this possible in ways that I don’t always understand! I am close to my goal but am still in need of monthly financially supporters who will partner with me so that I can move forward into full time ministry. If you are interested in partnering with me or have thought about it at all please contact me with any questions you may have or just go ahead and visit the website for details or to make a one time or monthly donation at www.urbanpromise.com.

Please also continue to pray for me, that this would not be my work or my mission but that it would be God’s and that I am simply just joining Him in. Please pray for His perfect timing in all of this and that he would prepare me to fill the responsibilities that are required of me.  

Active verses passive

When someone tells you or when something requires you to wait it tends to be natural to feel like you are doing nothing. Being out on hold on the phone feels like a waste of time and we can so quickly think of better things we could be doing with are time, like actually doing something.

This summer as I have been in the middle of a great many things and in what feels like limbo as I transition I have often felt like I wasn’t doing much. Here I am back living at home working on raising support. To start with how do you even do that? It wasn’t something I was used too; it wasn’t like picking corn for three hours and being paid a wage for it. It is something very different. It was difficult to know what to do while at the same time recognizing that in the large scheme of things there is nothing I can do. It isn’t and it will never be up to me.

As a struggled trying to figure out what I was able to do I kept running into words like hope, trust, be still, wait. Words that frustrated me, that seemed to be telling me that my role was to be passive not active. Yet as I read through the words of Psalm 37:5-7 I was amazed by the clearness and the assurance found in it.  “Commit your ways to the Lord, trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” Notice the words it uses to instruct us, commit, trust, be still and wait. To me those do not sound like action words, they sounded like defeat or surrender words, they sounded passive. But what did sound active was what God would do, he will act and bring. How come my role is to just commit, trust, be still, sit back wait and do nothing?

There is an unwillingness in me to do these things and truth be told it is a lot more work to truly commit and trust, to wait, hope and be still waiting for Him to work. Choosing each day to commit your way to God, to trust Him without doubting and choosing to be still rather than anxious waiting expectantly for Him to move is not something that say and choose quick before your feet hit the floor in the morning.  It is a daily long process, a never ending action of choosing how your are going to be and what you choose to do in the midst of the waiting and trusting.

Practically I find it hard to understand, to explain to myself or to others mostly because it isn’t a formula. How simple it would be if it was, just a nicely as 2+2=4, commit + trusting = means fill in the blank. But it’s not that way is it. There is not formula on how to trust without doubting or to wait patiently. What there is though is an incredible peace that comes when it is being chosen and lived out. There is an absence of fear, concern and worry when you choose to life in the light of the power of a God that is far greater than anything you could do.

Final day of Summer Camp

After 6 weeks of summer camp programs being run in 6 different locations across Toronto by the supervisors, program directors, streetleaders and interns this summer I was able to join them for their final camp day! 180 (roughly) were all bused to Anchor back for the day for a BBQ and carnival games. After being absent from program all summer I was thrilled to be able to join them for the day. It had been two months since I had seen the kids and youth that I haven’t spent the past two years working with, pouring into and loving on a daily bases. I was well over due to see them and was met by my girls tackling me for hugs. Once I gained a solid standing position I was able to see their faces one at a time and hug them. I felt at home!

As the day unfolded and the other camp’s arrived, Tracy; one of the current supervisors from the youth program at camp hope came and asked me to come meet with her group of youth in a large group. This may seem like no big deal but this group of youth are going to be the youth that I will be supervising upon my return to UrbanPromise. In about a month Tracy will be finishing her time with UrbanPromise and has begun explaining to the youth that she is leaving and that I will be their new supervisor just as soon as I am able to return. I know most of these youth to see them, their names I don’t quite have the hang of yet. Tracy introduced me to them as a group and then one at a time I heard their names and tried my best to remember them all.

The rest of the day I spent spending time with two much loved groups of youth. The ones I have spent the previous two years investing and pouring into and the ones that I already love and will spend the next three years building relationships and investing in. It may sound difficult or like I am being torn or pulled in two directions but the beauty of it is that it is the same. The same God, the same ministry, the same city and I am so thankful that I get to be a part of it all. Yes, change can be hard and everyone is always affected by it to some degree but I know that the relationships I have already begun will be able to be continued and the ones that are just beginning have a long journey ahead of me. I am excited for what the future holds as God has not only called me to a certain place but has clearly shown the need and the potential for what He has in store. In the end 6 different programs but we are one big family of UrbanPromise Toronto!

I am eager to start in this new role and I am feeling the urgency to have the financial support in place so that I am able to begin. I know that God’s timing is not always what we prefer or want but that His timing is perfect. With full acknowledgment of this I ask that if you are considering partnering with me financially that you contact me to ask how you can do this kiezebrink.janelle@gmail.com or at the website www.urbanpromise.com

The art of molding

Modeling clay is really cool stuff. It is fun, feels a little messy on the hands but in reality isn't very messy at all. You can create whatever your mind can image; it can be completive or relaxing. It feels good to create, to take your time or to finish quickly and it feels even better to accomplish, to finish something and to think that it looks great. Interesting though that on the flip side there are a lot less positive feelings involved even though it is the King of the universe that is the one doing the molding of the clay. (Jeremiah 18) As he builds us, molds us, reminds us that He is the one in complete control, it can be uncomfortable but to rightly understand who He is should not make us uncomfortable but rather security in His hands.

It is just under one month away from being September. And for most people that isn’t exciting news as we would prefer summer to last forever. Myself I am very eager for September, yet the name of this month also brings a lot of uncertain feelings for me. I am holding loosely to this hope of being able to move to Toronto and to begin a new season of life with UrbanPromise Toronto, yet hold it loosely because it isn’t my decision to make. As I working on communicating my need for this fall I am reminded time and time again that it has very little to do with what I am doing and has everything to do with what God is doing. He is the molder, He is the creator and He is the one creating, building and strengthen not only my relationships, trust and dependency on Him but is working on the hearts and lives of many people involved and connected to me.

This may sound all cheery and great, that I understand or am confident in the fact that I am not the one in control or that I am perfectly comfortable and relaxed in the fact that He is working this all out to the praise of His name. I wish that was all true and there are glimpses of time when it is. The more realistic picture of it all is me pathetically trying to manage on my own, frantically thinking that I am the one in control only to sink as Peter did in the waves when His eyes left Jesus and became fixed on the waves swirling around him. My eyes can so often we fixated on the things surrounding me, circumstances, feelings and what I think I am able to do in the midst of it all.

“Lord save me” Matt 14:30, was peter’s cry. He was drowning in what surrounded him; he was completely helpless and cried out to Jesus. “Immediately”, what sweet words, immediately. Jesus did not wait, He did not make Pete gravel or beg, rather immediately, without delay, Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him. “Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Peter knew Jesus, had seen Jesus just a few days earlier feed 5,000 men with only 5 loaves and 2 fish. Where was his faith, it had been replaced with his eyes, his focus fixed on the circumstances surrounding him.

I feel like Peter, one minute I am amazed by Jesus, by His grace in so many ways, great and small, only to be one of little faith letting my circumstances overwhelm me. What an assurance it is to know that when I cry out to Him, He will immediately extend His hand to pick me up again!

A lesson in giving thanks

Just recently I was reading a book that I had put off reading for the past two years, 1000 Gifts. In this book the writer Ann Voskamp speaks of the Greek word Eucharisteo best explained from Luke 22:19 where when Jesus took bread He gave thanks before he broke it. Eucharisteo, the a constant practice of giving thanks.


On Wednesday morning I was spending a view hours working at a local vegetable farm selling strawberries and fresh peas. I was giving thanks for the peas, for how simple it seemed from my point of view to grow peas, you plants it, weed it, God sends rain to water it and before you know it we're picking and selling. But when I pondered everything involved that God did behind the scene's it amazed me and I was moved to give thanks.


A couple hours later things weren't looking so wonderful anymore. I received disappointing news, I couldn't move forward with my long planned dream of getting an apartment with a dear friend for September. It would have been foolish to move forward with such plans when the rest of my plans were still uncertain, once again I would have to wait. It has been a season of learning to wait for me, I get so excited to move ahead full force so quickly and God has over and over again slowed down my plans and moved me to a place of submitting my plans, ideas and dreams to His will and His timing.


Wednesday afternoon in my disappointment, I questioned myself. Only a couple hours I was rejoicing over the complexity of pea's and how carefully God tends to things that we often don't even recognize and now here I was fretting over myself and my plans. The question that kept coming to my mind was what has changed? My attitude definitely had, but what had actually changed outside of myself? The answer of nothing, sure my understand of a situation had changed but the circumstances hadn't change, God hadn't changed, His sovereignty over the pea's and my life had not even budged a little bit. Consequently what followed this was the conviction that if God was the same, His provision and care remained unchanged, then why had my giving thanks changed so dramatically in the moments of disappointment?


Since last Wednesday God has given me great reason to rejoice. In the many ways I have been able to see His perfect timing on display, the many words of encouragement and the ways I am able to see his provision. Thank you for many of you who have been used in the past few days of being part of God's lessons to me.


"But now O Lord, You are my Father, I am the clay, and You are the potter, I am the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8


Continue to mold me

JEHOVAH-JIREH: "The Lord Will Provide"

I have heard often enough that trusting or having faith in times that are easy isn't real faith. It is when things get difficult that our faith is really put to the test. This week has been filled with many moments of needing to remind myself that trusting and having faith in situations that seem far to big are also the moments that show me how strong my faith actually is.

This summer has been a season of raising financial support for the future as I prepare to move into full time permeate ministry with UrbanPromise Toronto, to be able to do this I depend on financial support being donated by monthly partners or one time givers. I am also required to raise 70% of my $30,000 financial goal for a year. This seems like such a large number, yet thinking of living in Toronto it makes sense but that doesn't make it any less intimidating.

Currently, I have about 20% of this goal raised for which I am very thankful and have experienced much amazement of God's provision. I am also eagerly desiring to being back with Urban Promise as soon as possible. The supervisor position I will be filling in the Warden Woods Community in Scarborough is going to available in September and it is my prayer to be able to fill this role right away and begin come September. To be able to do this I still need to have 50% aka $15,000 raised in one time gifts or monthly donations.

I humble ask you to first, visit the website to really understand what it is that UrbanPromise Toronto does in serving Toronto and the need that we seek to meet or contact me with questions!
Second, I ask that you pray and consider how you might be able to support me as I continue on this humbling endeavor of following God and trusting that He will provide in His timing and in His way as I follow Him in being obedient to the things that He has called me too.

"O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things and your Father knows that you need the. Instead, seek his kingdom and these things will be added to you." Matthew 12:28b-31

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the convictions of things not seen." Heb 11:1

Please contact me with any questions you may have at kiezebrink.janelle@gmail.com
To make a donation please visit www.urbanpromise.com and find my name under donate, support a missionary.

Dear Child

As I sat thinking this spilt out of my heart

How quickly people are demoralized
When truth is lost and they begin to rationalize
Child, treat others with the heart that I know you have
I know your neighbourhood is cruel
And that power does not come from kind words
Dare to be different
To create instead of destroy
Your heart is kind and you mind intelligent
Use your gifts, don’t hide them away
I know you seek thrill and adventure and fun
Run after these things with the best that you are
Step out of the norm, don’t even play the role
You are not the role
You are sweet, honest and important
Your have dreams, will and potential
No one can steal your dreams



My child, don’t forget who you are
The core of what makes you, you
You were created for so much more
I see the way you care
The look in your eye when she falls
And the way you run to pick her up
The tenderness as your comfort and hold her hand



My child, you are a treasure
A masterpiece, divinely created
Made exactly how you are because He declared
That you were good
His love declares the truth
And His ways bring freedom unknown to most men
I know it doesn’t feel that way
How could it in the mess of this life
Things are not as they ought
But what can you do, you are so young



My child you can be who you were made to be
Discard of the words of the world
Their tactics and schemes
Be kind, intelligent and important
Believe the truth of who you are
Look to Him, for He knows you best
The good you can do
The wisdom you can be
And the difference you can make

A different sort of update!

Silence, besides the birds chiming and our pool pump humming all I can hear is silence. Quite the change from just a few weeks ago sitting on my balcony surrounded by the noise of the city. Some I know would say I have it far better here in the silence of the country and currently (since I am in it) I would probably agree. There is something about the stillness that captures but the noise of the city intrigues me. As I have ventured into my summer apart for Urban Promise Toronto and the city (for the most part), I knew there was much that I could be busy with. However; I also knew the benefits and purpose of rest and spending time thinking and meditating with God as I prepare and begin to transition from being a temporary intern with UPT to being a permanent staff missionary.

Needless to say so far events have proven to keep me verily busy; helping my brother move, visiting and catching up over coffee’s with friends. When I am home my younger brothers forever are asking me to join them in play games and so much of my down time has been spend playing Dutch blitz, and other board games as well as losing checkers  to an 8 year old. I spend what time I can catching up on reading and am being challenged in my thoughts and actions as I read through a book called “Mud and the Masterpiece” by Burke. It works through a journey of why and how Christians are called to “call” out the masterpiece God has created in each and every human which has been terrible corrupted and stained by the mud of this world. I have learned a great deal as it takes everything back to the Jesus Christ revealed to us in the gospels of His heart of compassion, love and earnest desire for all to be reconciled to God and to find their true identity in the work of their creator and designer, God.

A big part of the purpose of having space and time from UPT this summer is to help make transitioning smoother from being an intern to being one who leads interns. That switch in my mind is hard enough without a change of my supervisors becoming my co-workers and peers as well as friends. The second part of the transition is finding the support of people to join or partner with me prayerfully and financially so that I am able to continue working/ministering daily within the community that I will work and be provided for from God’s economy. 

This is a hard one for me as I have since I was young kept up jobs and provided well for myself. It has been a learning process the past 2 years of trusting God to provide me with the things I am in need of in the ways that He sees fit. Being humbled has been a big part of these lessons and continue to be as God continues to sow me my complete dependency on Him in every aspect of life. Over this summer I am seeking to communicate my need, express the deep desire I and others have for those who have yet to be reconciled within themselves, with others and with God. The rest is very much up to Him in who He uses to encourage, support and pray for me. I’d appreciate prayers for confidence and assurance in God’s continued providence. On that note I can see so many ways that He is providing and working things out. I have also been able to spend some of my time working on a local farm that I grew up working on. This has been a huge blessing as it helps provide me with the means to be able to borrow my parent’s van and cover gas cost. I have been able to get around easily and without the worry or concern of how those things are going to get covered financially.

The last thing I would like to mention are my plans for the rest of the summer, along with a few other little project like fixing up chairs and getting creative (fingers crossed) I have been asked to assist, help or come along on a few different ministry opportunities. Although these excite me a great deal I am seeking God’s direction as I do not want to take on more than I am able or more then He wants me to. And finally, as I begin the daunting task of searching for an apartment please pray not only for wisdom and direction as to where I should live but that God would already be preparing a place of rest and peace.

Recap of prayer request:

People to partner with my financially and prayerfully as I move into a permanent role of ministry.

That God would continue teaching me as I spend time resting and learning with Him.

For the plans concerning the rest of the summer.

For apartment searching.

Lastly, (for the third time) if there are any questions and/or prayer request that I can keep in prayer for you please do not hesitate to email me at kiezebrink.janelle@gmail.com

End of Two Years

I have reached the end. How three month turned into two years so quickly I shall never know. How two years have gone so fast is an even greater mystery. I have three more days of spending time pouring into the kid’s and youth that I have spent the past two years loving and investing in. Eight more days until everything will be packed up and I will move out of what has been my crazy, insane, apartment that I call home. The elevator, alarms at all hours and sounds of the city are things I never anticipated to be sounds of home but that is what they have become.

Every day for the past few weeks I have been gently reminding by a few kid’s each day that I will be leaving. It is a difficult task. Seeing the end of something is almost always the start of something new. But whether you know this about me or not I absolutely hate change, I loath it. I cry about it and fight it and avoid it to the very end. It was on Friday when reality started to sink in, I kept catching myself just watching, watching life play out in front of me while standing on the side lines. Caring words and demonstration of love and value from those who have become closest to me over this journey pushed me over the edge into an flood of tears. It’s a big count down, every day another dear sweet children asks, “is it today, is today your last day, when is it?”. How I hate answering these questions.

It is a strange thing, preparing to leave something that I shall be returning to, only it will never be the same. These kid’s will have a new group leader another intern will come and struggle to earn their trust. Yes, I will enter their world again, only I am not sure what it will look like or which location I will be serving in. I know that it will be good for God has shown me that. It will be challenging, heart breaking, rewarding and it will be good. Yet I feel like I’m on the edge, the edge of the end and the edge of beginning not knowing when it will begin. I’m in limbo.

This summer will be a blessing, moving home to my family, getting to know the nephews and niece, spending time with the siblings, hiking out to camp under the stars with my brothers. I am excited, it holds good things, yet it is stepping stone. A stepping stone to provide for the future and to bring me back to where I know I belong, to a city that I love, to a ministry that I rejoice in the work that God has given us to do. To children, youth, families and communities that are in poverty of the truth of the word of God, of whole relationship with him, with themselves and with others. Funny how a heart can be so torn.

Life Abundant

 Abundant living is referred to by Wikipedia as fullness of life. When I think of fullness of life I think of things that bring me life, things like the ocean, running, watching a sun rise/set, lying in a hammock and other things that inspire and fill me up with life. Life is a gift from God and so things that remind me of God are the things that also fill me with life to the fullest. The Bible says that God gives life and that He gives it abundantly, meaning to the fullest extent, this is His gift to us and He wants us to walk in the fullness of life and to live in an abundant state of life. Not abundant in material possession or money but abundant in things that give life.

When God teaches me a lesson on something more often than not He will give me contrasting situations where I experience and learn about the same thing in very reverse methods. The past few days I had a tremendous privilege of taking 7 of our youth away for the weekend to a remote retreat center. We had a beautiful building with a great big long table to enjoy “family” meal’s together, great big open spaces to run around play in and pitch tents, forests to hike in, ponds to skip rock’s in, tree’s to climb. We experienced making homemade bow and arrows, roasting marshmallows, playing sardines and man hunt and bogie ball. The kid’s got to experience sleeping in a tent for the first time, barbecuing, climbing tree’s, lying in a hammock and listening to the coyotes howl. The laughter and fun we had this weekend reached its finest, enjoying such simple and wholesome activities while playing hard was so refreshing. Climbing through windows, drinking hot chocolate before breakfast, water fights, furniture tag, rock throwing competitions and barrel rolling down a hill were good reminders to relax and to not take everything so serious. Teaching and modeling for the kid’s this kind of freedom in experience fun, nature and life was so rewarding, it was living life fullest.

This was met quickly with the very contrasting side of the lesson. Life can be robbed of its abundance far too easily. I believe the devil comes to steal to kill and to ultimately destroy and this can often begin with our joy or our sense of an abundant life. We get robbed of simplicity, of contentment and of enjoyment. Upon my return to the city I was met with such a life, one that had been drained of life, of true living and contentment. It was not only life sucking to be around but leaves little to be desired or enjoyed. A person can live but lack real living, a person can have a good life but lack true abundant living in the joy, contentment and simplicity of the life Christ gives. Life that doesn't need to compete or fight to get ahead, that can value above all else bring life to others and to take time to live recklessly free of the burdens and pressure of this world.

Life abundant to me means cultivating hobbies, creativity and imagination. To explore and to enjoy the things that God has made. To treasure and rejoice in relationships, to recognize in full the One of whom all these things come from and to life in such abundance that others would find such a life as well. 

The difference love makes

 Second day in a row he was waiting for me. It was free time, our bible study time had just finished and he was at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me. “What do you want to do Jello” he asked. I turned the question back to him, he thought but came up with nothing. We ended up outside where I challenged him to chalk out his own city, with a school, church, homes and grocery store. We spend the rest of the afternoon with him slowly instructing me what to draw one side while he worked on the other.

Now this isn't a super exciting story I realize. It sounds like any average day and in some ways it is. Moments like these are common, kids wanting to hang out specifically with a leaders, having the task of thinking of things for them to do or challenging  task to keep them busy and then doing it  are all normal parts of an  average day, only this child is not an average child. His name is Will and he is 11, when I met him just over a year ago he was not such a nice kid. He was never allowed to stay at camp very long due to his behavior and when he joined our program full time last September my days were filled with determining the difference between truth and lies in his stories. He promoted himself as a bad kid and found his identity in how many times he had been suspended or the number of kids who did not want to be his friend. Only he is not that kid anymore, he is now who he really is, he is sweet, excited, smart, creative, intelligent, focused and fun. Yesterday was my first day back from being in Camden for the past week and it had been 11 days since I had seen these kids. As Will arrived after camp he surprised me but running in excitement and giving me a hug. We spend free time yesterday sitting on the grass (which is a big deal in itself since the grass is on the ground and the ground is gross) and talking. We talked about gifts, the best gift we had ever received and the worst gift. We talked about how we responded to receiving these gifts and how we left about them. Then we talked about God and we talked about the gift that He has extended to us, we talked about how we can get prideful and we don’t want this gift because we don’t want a hand out, we somehow think that in and of ourselves that we should be able to somehow achieve salvation. We talked about how hard it is to humble realize how stupid we can be and about how amazing it is that God has extended this gift to us.

As the day ended while I was walking him home and stopped with the other kids and chilled on the basketball court for a while, only he didn't play. He stood beside me and we talked, I asked him if he thought he had changed since September and he began listing the ways, “I didn't like camp I do now, sometimes I am bored but the leaders are nice and fun. I don’t tell as many lies, actually I can’t remember the last time I lied to you Jello”, and the list continued. Will is special, he is special to me but he is so much more special to God. Please pray for Will that He would truly understand this gift that God extends to him and pray that the Holy Spirit would move in his heart and that he would accept Christ. Pray that as he comes camping with us over the weekend that these kind of conversations would continue and that God would use us to speak words of truth, love and life into his life.  

Camden

Broken buildings, shambled

A thousand faces, labelled

What used to stand was beauty

Now empty, waste is reality

Open your eyes to the wreck

To buildings, rust and bricks

But beyond you see, the shine

Of Philly standing tall and fine

The difference is shocking

The facts terrifying

How one child is born here

While is born there

Camden feels like a third world country, it stands across the bridge from Philly and is a city bankrupt, booming in drug dealing and is a city that literally looks like it is crumbling.

I went to visit Camden for the past 6 days as a mission team with some students from Tyndale Collage, University and Seminary. We went to help and learn from the Urban Promise Ministries located in east Camden. This is Urban Promise Toronto’s sister Ministry and so it was inspiring to meet the people there and experience how the same ministry functions and looks like in a different city.

It was a shocking eye opening week, the poverty and communities that the individuals and kids live in are unreal. If all of this existed without God, it would be a place without hope like so many other places in this world.

During these 6 days I got to experience after school programs, visit their boat works project of over the course of a year building canoes or kayaks with the youth, served two lunches to homeless, 26 on Sunday and 54 on Thursday and help to facilitate their yearly Math Dare event and of course any of the maintenance and cleaning.

Seeing the work that God is doing in the city through the different churches and ministries in the city was reassuring of the hope and promises that our God offers. To experience and to see/feel afresh the areas of inspiration, passion and desire to do something was encouraging and refreshing and yet hard and challenging not to just accept things for how they are but to search out God’s heart for each person and situation.

Please pray for the city of Camden, for God to continue to transform the hearts and lives and for His holiness to continue to influence deeply the lives of those who are working as His hands and feet.

The joy of kids, bbq's and sunshine

Tonight was joy. With the weather being so nice there was nothing else to do but to have a BBQ. So minus an actually BBQ we cooked up some awesome steaks, bought some cheese and made some Philly cheese steaks styled burgers. We added some speakers, a basketball net, a few foot balls and 52 pieces of chalk to make a solid 2 hours of laughter and fun with around 40 of our kids and youth combined. 

An advantage of holding camp outside is that we are more in the community which has both positive and negative effects. It can be crazier keeping track of kids and keeping them safe but it is great to see familiar faces passing that we don’t see regularly. Two of my boys from my very first summer walked past tonight with some of their friends, now 15 and much taller than I am they ran over to me for a hug with smiles on their faces still calling me Jello.

For me it was a time of really loving and spending time with individual kids while being surround by many, playing catch with a little 6 year counting every catch he made, we got up to 36. As camp finished up the kids slowly disappeared until we were only left with a mess and two little ladies waiting to be picked up. They smiled sweetly and suggested that they would be able to help me clean dishes if I found them a chocolate bar to eat afterwards. 

Once the basement was cleaned, chocolate enjoyed we headed back outside to enjoy the warm and last light of the day. Kicking a soccer ball around being okay with extending our day. Before long our four formally dressed senior highs arrived back from their day down town meeting CEO’s and hearing their stories. About two and a half hours later we figured it was probably about time to head home.

Tonight was filled with joy and was an evening with a huge sense of presence in the community we work in, but also a clear picture of the sense of community that our camp family is for each other for which I am very thankful.

Cry for control

 “I don’t like that!” she sat bad in her seat with her arms cross in rejection of the words being spoken. She continued to listen as the speaker spoke of our need to recognizing our weakness and our need for the Lord’s strength. As she finished the woman turned to each other around the table to discuss in small groups. Tayler again lashed out, “I am not weak”, she said it spit, “if I was weak I would be dead right now, I don’t like that.” At finishing her outburst she left the table briefly. My fellow mentor and I caught one another’s eye not expecting this reaction from a woman who typically avoids talking about anything spiritual. Upon her return to our table of moms, I began to ask her why she felt that way. She spoke of her past, of experiences, people, situations and lies convinced that she was not weak.

I could hear a cry for control laced in all her words, a desperation of needing to be strong for herself, a fear of submitting and giving that control over. It was such a clear opposition of the truth that I am quite sure that this is an area God has already started His work in.

The fellow mom’s at the table spoke up, sharing their own experiences and stories. As the conversation continued there was such beauty of openness and honesty shared as each woman besides myself struggled with physical diseases and illnesses and battle against health difficulties. Tayler continued speaking her frustrations continually apologizing for her not accepting of the things we believed, “maybe I am just screwed up this morning,” she said.

I assured her that we were happy for her honesty of struggling with it, of my own difficulties of accepting the fact that I need to be weak and humbled before God. We assured her that we had better discussion because of her openness to share.

Ironically our morning session moved on to budgeting through a CAP (Christians against poverty) money course we are doing. A message of weakness and inability in herself continued to be preached as tears were shed. My prayer for this Mom is for her to see weakness not as a bad thing but as a surrender to something far better. I pray that God would continue to use Mom’s Arise to be a place of acceptance and truth. I pray that God would continue to speak this truth into her life and that she would find peace resting in His strength in her life. 

Societies garbage

One of the hardest part of working with young girls is that I cannot change them. I cannot make them stop dressing a certain way, saying certain things or from action in certain ways. I am not their parent and have such little control over these circumstances besides influencing them through love.

A few girls particularly struggle and are influenced greatly by books they read that are filled with nothing but junk and stuff that messes with their heads with pictures and premature images.

I have always struggled knowing how to respond. I do not approve but I cannot do anything to make them stop reading them unless there is a desire for better things. I can ban them at camp but that does nothing for the other 22 hours of every day.

What I have discovered is that there is something that is drawing them to read these books and there is a great need to understand where that desire is coming from as well as the curiosity.  The other day I decided to ask a few questions about the reason she was reading the books. She knows they are not good and refuses to let me read them. So we talked about why she was reading them. We talked about how they made here feel and everything that goes alone with reading these books.

At one point she came across a word she did not understand but told me she couldn't ask me what it meant because it wasn't appropriate. It was such a perfect time of being to tell her that no, I did not approve of the book and I really do not want her to read them. But I was also able to tell her that I wanted her to feel open to talking to me about things. If there were things she is curious about or thing she does not understand I want her to know that she can come to me and ask me.

There is a great need for honesty in this generation. Our culture and society pushes so much garbage at us, it is right in front of our eyes half of the time. Kids, youth cannot get away from it and yet is there anyone helping them to understand the proper place for so many of these things. So they see sex as something beautiful created  by God or do they think of it as they see it on the TV or books or advertisement?

It is not comfortable and it diffidently is not easy but we cannot  afford to not be talking about it and helping kids and youth to understand the  things in a proper, respectful and God created thing.

We cannot waste our time wanting to be comfortable or easy if we are neglecting to respond to what has become a very great need within our culture. Please pray for the scary reality of what this means for many of our youth and for wisdom in speak up and into their lives.