People can say a lot of things, like
you are good a….. or your skilled in do…..or your spiritual gift
is……
But when it comes down to it I so often
find that I hear these things, appreciate them and who they came from
and yet still remain uncertain as to how I am gifted or skilled. Even
though I may be good at something ones or twice I don’t feel like I
excel in it and I still feel so many weaknesses inside of me that
although these words are encouraging, self-doubt and uncertainty
remain.I can feel strong and confident, I can
even appear to feel this way when in fact I actually don’t and I
can normally get by and make it through things without crashing to
hard in self-doubt or insecurities.
A couple weekends ago I was in Muskoka
woods running a March break camp with 50 youth. I had helped plan the
entire weekend, was executing the plan while leading other leaders
and trying to actively be involved with the 50 youth. It was an
incredible weekend and a lot of work. On the second evening things
got pretty over whelming for me, I know I can lead and I have been
told I am good at it but I wasn't always feeling like it and it got
overwhelming. I was frustrated with someone on my team which
completely drains my energy if I don’t get a chance to talk it out
but did not get a chance due to all the demands, add that to lack of
sleep and I was not in a very good state. The next morning I was able
to talk things through and figure everything to get back on to the
right page but then I had to go lead a bible study for everyone and
this did not seem feasible.
I had struggled over writing this bible
study for the past couple of weeks. The scripture I was going to used
changed three times and the contend changed daily as I prayed over it
to see what it was God wanted me to teach this particular morning.
What I had to present and teach I had actually only written three
days earlier and was not super familiar with the content. I was not
in a good position nor did I feel the least bit confident or capable
of doing what I knew I had to do. Arriving at the building to start
one of my friends and co-leader came over and asked how I was feeling
about leading knowing that I was in tight stop. He offered to pray
over me and prayed that God would use me this morning.
I went from a troubled, anxious spot to
stepping to the front of the room ready to do my very best no matter
what others thought or how I felt. Peace took over and I spoke, I
spoke on humility which was rather ironic. Told of how Jesus stooped
and washed his disciple’s feet, rather relevant topic since the
room stunk of feet. Continued by sharing how Jesus also humbled
himself by coming down from the heavenly places as a baby to live in
this world and then die for our salvation. The notes were in my hand
but they went unread, the words just came and continued to poor of my
mouth. I was speaking to myself more then I was speaking to anyone
else in the room being in awe over the humble state of my Savior.
The room was silent and I knew as I finished speaking of the
awesomeness of our God that He had done a mighty thing that morning.
He took what were ashes and made them burn hot in a large flame. That
morning I was an ashes burning out of fire and flame and I was
entirely open to Him taking over and He made a fire of passion for
Him and for the 50 youth in the room to know Him.
It is difficult to explain without
sounding crazy and I was hesitant about writing this for others to
read. No one will fully understand what happened that morning, how
God brought me to such a low place so that He could work through for
me for the glory of His holy name. It is hard to get others to
understand how much that experience did to me and what it continues
to teach me.
People can say a lot of things and
sometimes they are true and other times they are not so true but one
thing I do know is that God knows me perfectly He has gifted me and
enables me to use these gifts by His work in me.
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